just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My ass is underappreciated
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
