my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
