It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
