My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
