so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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