Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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