and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
