dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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