You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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