I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize
