I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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