worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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