i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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