I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
