hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
ttyl tear gas
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
