she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
