I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dicks are not precious.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
