Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
