why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
