New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
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at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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