now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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