bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
