you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
