WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
