he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
