I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN