I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.