Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.