So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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