My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
