giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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