um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
