By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
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Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
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I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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