if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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