mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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