And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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