she woke up with a sticky ear
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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