Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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