When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We need to get me chipped asap
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
