i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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