Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Im part way to drunk.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
