my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
