i barfeds in our rink
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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