god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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