well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
