but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
