I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
