That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
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Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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