I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Are we in a gay sports bar?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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