i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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