got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
