I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize