I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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