Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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