i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
