I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
