So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
