i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize