She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
