She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
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sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
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why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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