The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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