I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
