Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
